Women

I love women

I love everything about them

the way they smell

the way they look

the way they sound

the way they plot

the way they twist the knife in

the foolish mistakes they make

to compensate for the worse mistakes

that men make

for example,

I sat next to Sheila in the bar last night

and she was telling me that she always

asks a man on the first date if he’s open to marriage

because, she explained, she doesn’t want to waste

her time dating someone who isn’t open to marriage

because she wants to get married.

I told her that was stupid

(I told her that for two reasons)

I told her it was stupid because men do not know

what they want.

(I said I would never marry

and I did it twice.)

Also, I added, it’s the kind of question guaranteed

to scare a man away

when asked on a first date

because it makes them think that the woman

just wants to get married

(which in Sheila’s case, of course, is absolutely true).

Then, just to be more argumentative, I told her

that if she couldn’t simply intuit

whether a man was open to marriage

by the end of the first date

she had no business dating.

 

As I say, I told her these things for two reasons,

first, because they are true,

but secondly, and more importantly,

because Sheila is the kind of woman who gets

excited by a good argument

it’s a form of flirtation for her

sexually stimulating

a type of early dating foreplay

because I intuit that she’s the kind of woman

who likes a man who can hold his own.

 

I’m not that kind of man

but I’ll pretend to be that kind of man

if that’s what it takes

to seduce Sheila.

 

As I say, I love women

I love the deceit

the perfume

the banter

the leaning forward

they are just fascinating creatures

until they get old and bitter

which they claim happens

because they hang around

men like me.